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Local Vampire Attack Causes News Headlines

Jess Witkins' Happiness Project

If you thought small towns were boring…

On Tuesday, May 13th, a vampire attacked a group of musicians in my town.

True story.

A man by the name of Scott Mehtala, 23, claimed he was a vampire when being arrested for assault and battery charges against guitarist, Nik Slimp.

Slimp’s band, American Fangs, had been playing in the local La Crosse Center, which Mehtala described as filled with “normals.” A “normal” is anyone who is not a vampire. In case you needed clarification.

After the show, Mehtala picked up a barricade and hurled it through the band’s tour bus window. When confronted by the guitarist, Mehtala punched him in the face. Slimp is reported to have a chipped tooth and required stitches. No confirmation has been made whether he was turned into a vampire or not. But if so, I suspect the chipped tooth is going to make dinner a…

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